The Reviewing Floor is changing

For the better, I like to think. Depends on your viewpoint. Ahem. Anyway to the point: unfortunately Reuben’s parted ways with the blog to pursue his own writing opportunities and I wish him all the best, obviously. That’s not the change for the better. What is changing for the better is that now I’m the sole provider of written content I can write about whatever I feel like, and in short: I’m expanding The Reviewing Floor’s coverage to include Anime, TV Series and Films. Possibly comics and manga, I’ll consider it later in the year. For TV shows I’m starting a new series I’m calling “In for the long haul”, in which I have an open article on here with opinions on each episode as they’re released, followed by a review of the whole season. I’ll be doing that for Attack on Titan Season 2 and Berserk Season 2 when they start. On the review side first up in this new scheme is Iron Fist sometime over the next few days, as well as a “Thoughts on…” piece about the first season of the new Berserk anime. I’ll also be reviewing the Netflix Death Note film, but that’s not out until August. Hopefully this will all fit into the current scheme nicely, and it’ll be fun to write about things I enjoy other than video games. Video games will still be the focus, but will be talking a break for a while because I currently don’t have the money to buy them. But I will be reviewing Mass Effect Andromeda, Nioh, Nier Automata and Horizon Zero Dawn at some point this year, hopefully sooner rather than later.

By James Lambert


DLC Review: Resident Evil 7 Banned Footage Volumes 1 and 2

DLC time once again, kids. This time it’s Resident Evil 7 with two collections of mini games and story parts Capcom are charging for on the run up to its big, free story DLC “Not a Hero”. Broken into two packs of three it contains Bedroom- an escape the room puzzle featuring Marguerite, Nightmare- a wave-based survival mode against Molded and Jack, Ethan Must Die- a remixed area of the game with ramped up difficulty and very limited items, 21- a surprisingly violent game of blackjack featuring Lucas, Daughters- a prequel story about the night the Bakers turned bad and Jack’s 55th Birthday- a fun breather mini game in which Mia has to run around grabbing food to give Jack.

Given the amount of variety in the modes it might not come as a surprise that it’s a mixed bag, though it skews differently to my expectations. Daughters, the one piece that’s definitely canon story DLC has some promise but squanders it in frankly spectacular fashion. It shows what happened when Evie first turned up at the house and turned the Baker family into murderous cannibals, which sounds like a winner but unfortunately buggers it by having them IMMEDIATELY turn and then the whole thing is over in about twenty minutes. What should have been a tense, drawn-out experience with time jumps like Firewatch, as Jack and Marguerite slowly but surely grow more unhinged and hostile until you have to escape is instead about a minute of them being nice, friendly people then BAM! They’re evil now, run away from them and escape but not really. It does have one of my new favourite Resi lines: Jack trying to kill Zoe because in his words “When I ask for rope I expect to get rope!”. If nothing else it’s more Jack Baker and that’s always a good thing, it’s just a shame it’s so rushed and lacks any sort of punch. Well there is a brief line from Jack pre-possession about how he always wanted to run a B’n’B, but that’s about it. Ethan Must Die might well be good if you’re into that sort of thing, I can only get a few minutes into it before dying and as such have made very little progress. You start with no weapons in a hellish dimension with a red sky and have to go through the main house and towards a fight with Margeuerite in the greenhouse. Weapons/items and their locations are random and enemies kill you in two hits. That’s about it really. Moving on.

Nightmare is a surprising standout: a wave-based survival mode in which Clancy Javis (he of “Derelict House” and “Happy Birthday” fame) is trapped in the basement of the main house and using a steady, replenishing source of scrap from three machines in the map can buy weapons and set traps to kill a whole load of Molded and two incarnations of Jack. It’s quite tough, but despite just being a fight against waves of enemies it’s really enjoyable, particularly as you unlock new weapons with increasingly high scores and, learning how best to use resources deal with everything efficiently and feel like a badass. Similarly of high quality and starring Clancy is “Bedroom”: Marguerite has you handcuffed to a bed in the bedroom directly off the balcony in the main house, you have to solve a load of inventory puzzles to escape from said bedroom, and at multiple scripted points Marguerite will return to check on you, and you need to put everything back where it was or she’ll attack you. Bedroom is easily the best part of the DLC; its puzzles are cool and make excellent use of the limited space and the atmosphere is tense to the point where on my first attempt I got out of bed and almost immediately returned because I was scared Marguerite would come back. Jack’s 55th Birthday is fun but largely throwaway: you’re against the clock and have to run around small areas finding food to give to Jack and fill a hunger bar until he’s full. Shooting Molded stops the clock for durations dependent on where you hit them, and the whole thing is decent but didn’t particualrly draw me in. Last but not least is 21- a surprisingly grim and gory game of blackjack in which Lucas forces Clancy and another man to bet fingers, electric shocks and finally the threat of a sawblade made of kitchen knives being rammed into their faces. There’s not much to say for this one- it’s blackjack. If you like blackjack you’ll enjoy it, I thought the blackjack combined with the dark tone, gore and Lucas being Lucas made it rather good.

Overall Banned Footage is excellent, though it does stumble at times. Daughters is far too rushed, Jack’s 55th Birthday is fun but throwaway and Ethan Must Die is, for me at least, depriving potentially better content of a place in the DLC, but Bedroom, 21, Nightmare are all great, I’m keeping with the high standard Capcom set with the main game. It’s a shame the content is mixed and has a good/bad blend over the two packs, otherwise I’d recommend the one with the good DLC. As it stands I recommend both: if you enjoyed Resi 7 this is a no-brainer.

By James Lambert


Staying for dinner : further thoughts on Resi 7

This is the start of a piece I’ll be updating throughout the year or at least as long as it’s relevant: after finishing the game twice and currently embarking on a tour of “Madhouse” difficulty I’ve had time to ruminate on what I saw the first time around in Resident Evil 7, as well as some new things that have had an impact on my views as a whole. My opinion as stated in my review, that it’s a good game with a weak last act, stands, but this may well effect whether or not it makes my top five list at the end of the year.

Firstly, Jack Baker cut my leg off. It wasn’t a scripted thing, I actually completely missed it first time, but on my second playthrough after being attacked one time too many Jack cut my leg off with a shovel. What’s interesting is what happened next: he walked away from me, placed a strong health med on the floor, knelt down and mockingly told me I could fix my leg. So I picked up my leg, crawled over and poured health med on my foot and stump until it reattached. Things like this are what stand out far more than the actual story for me. As I saw in Jim Sterling’s video and as attested to by a friend of mine to whom it also happened; during the garage fight Jack can pull Ethan out of the car and use it as a weapon instead of you, driving around the garage trying to clobber you. It has to be seen for the full effect; this wonderful, camp dark humour of a homocidal swamp rat who was just slicing you up for not eating raw intestines and is now driving around a garage in a car with no roof, cackling to himself and happy as a bloodthirsty clam.

Okay so the crux of the matter; Madhouse mode. I haven’t made it too far, but I’ve seen enough to be getting on with. Firstly and least interestingly it is, as the name implies, bastard hard. The first encounter with Jack in which you have to dodge him in a hallway and get a key killed me upwards of five times. My normal tactics of dodging and blocking resulted in being battered, and it was made worse by the fact that Jack now sprints after you. So I had to hide, which turned it into Outlast briefly. More importantly are the gameplay changes: new bird houses with new items, the scorpion key is now locked in one, but inside the main house. Ammo is scarce, enemies appear in different places at different times, and certain items have been moved around. The biggest change is the save system though, and that it now requires a one use item of which there is a finite number in the game, like a real classic Resi game. I really like this mode so far, but personally I wish you could have all the changes but pick a difficulty, because it really is bloody hard.

Right so that’s it for now, I’ll update this with more on Madhouse mode as I play it, and first impressions on the DLC before potentially reviewing it.

Update 1: When I ask for rope, I expect to get rope

I’ve bought the game’s two DLC packs; Banned Footage Volume 1 and 2, and played three of the new offerings so far. They are Bedroom; an excellent escape-the-room puzzle in which Clancy Javis from the “Happy Birthday” VHS must escape from the main bedroom of the main house, stopping and ensuring everything he moved his back in place when Marguerite returns to check on him. Jack’s 55th birthday; a jokey mini game in which Mia has to run around grabbing food for Jack and shooting Molded for time bonuses, and Daughters, which is rather disappointing, and the only piece of definite story DLC I’ve played. I’ll be writing a full review of the DLC soon, but for now I’ll say that it’s about the Baker family’s last night as normal human beings, it can be beaten in about five minutes if you know what you’re doing, and apart from a few great lines (this update’s title being one of them) it’s a wasted opportunity. So for now Bedroom is ace, Jack’s birthday is decent and Daughters is pretty weak  . Next update will be the rest of the DLC.

By James Lambert


Resident Evil 7: Biohazard Review


Resident Evil is a series that, much like the undead themselves, refuses to die. It’s a series with a lot of baggage- for every amazing game with memorable characters, enemies and a decent story there are several titles that vary from bland with forgettable cardboard cutout casts or absolute dreck best forgotten, and yet so much of it is canon. Until last year I maintained that it needed to be rebooted or killed off for good. Capcom instead released a P.T-esque free trial that updated with new content over time, and announced Resident Evil 7.

Resident Evil 7 Biohazard, or “Resident EVII. biohazard” as it calls itself has been heralded by many as a return to the series’ old school survival horror roots. People said that about The Evil Within too though, so I was skeptical of this whole enterprise. For those unaware of Resi’s trajectory it started off with limited ammo, lots of puzzles and tank controls, moved on to horror action with Resi 4, then became far too actiony and completely fell apart. In short it would take something huge to get things back on track. Does it pay off? Or is it the final nail in the coffin?

You are Ethan Winters, faceless white man and a hardline opponent to the classic “Don’t go in there/touch that” school of horror thought, who after thinking his wife Mia has been dead for three years receives an email (a lot less flowery than the letter James Sunderland got) telling him to go get her from a farm in rural Louisiana. Turns out that was a bad move, and he ends up deep in True Detective country and at the mercy of the violent, cannibalistic and seemingly invincible Baker family, who are really annoyed at him not eating the plate of guts they made specially. Giving any further details on the story would spoil it, though I can say that everything in the plot that isn’t Ethan, Mia and the Bakers is weak. Not terrible, but boring, a tad cliched and generally not as good as the core dynamic between mad Hillbilly and captive; the third act sticks out like a sore thumb and has you running around a new area for about an hour learning a bit about the plot only for the game to tell you that now it’s time to go back to the Baker mansion and fight the final boss, who I actually quite like, so at least it ends well. The game makes good use of its influences and inspirations; the Texas Chainsaw Massacre connection is well established, but I was surprised how much parts of the game felt like the first two Evil Dead films (much to the game’s benefit- the opening twenty minutes or so make up the best Evil Dead game ever made), and the game has a touch of True Detective about it- in particular the opening shot of Ethan driving past a huge swamp, showing that Louisiana is a beautiful place with a whole lot of room for horrible people to do horrible things and never be found.

As I said earlier people have touted Resi 7 as a return to its roots, and I can confirm that for the most part that is accurate. Themed keys, puzzles based on eccentric architecture (The Bakers are fond of doora that are opened with shadows, of all things), enemies that are often better avoided than fought and limited inventory space return. The first person view definitely makes the game more tense, but personally I didn’t find it particularly scary at all, though not for lack of trying, and the horror here is strong. Fears that it would play like Outlast and Alien Isolation are assuaged; there are no hiding spots, and running from enemies is a strategic manoeuvre rather than your only survival option, and you’ll often be running past them rather than away from them. For the most part it really does feel like classic Resi, particularly the Baker estate’s main house and the dilapidated “Old House” which are reminiscent of REmake’s Spencer mansion and residence. You can defend yourself but sometimes it’s best to run. There are puzzles and exploration, and boss fights that for the most part are really rather good, apart from one later on that’s a pain in the arse. The improved combat makes it feel like Resi 4 through the lens of REmake. The shooting is solid and fighting off the Bakers is fun, but attention must be drawn to the games more expendable enemy: The Moulded. Simply put The Moulded are sludge monsters. They shamble like the Regeneradors from Resi 4, they look a bit like the leech man from Resi Outbreak, and apart from their initial appearance in the main house they’re boring and fighting them is no fun. Personally I would have preferred zombies or something similar, but things certainly could have been worse, and there are aspects of The Moulded I like; their ability to suddenly materialise from ooze covering the walls is both thematically relevant to where they come from and makes it seem like they’re almost a virus infecting the house itself, one that the Bakers aren’t aware of or don’t care about.

It’s quite a short game; it took me just over six and a half hours to beat on normal difficulty, and unfortunately due to the weak third act it feels like all the great stuff rushes by and just as you realise it you’re stuck with mediocrity and sludge monsters, pottering about until the admittedly good final boss and an ending revelation tied into the series as a whole that I would like if this was a reboot but apparently it’s set after Resi 6, so it’ll need some explaining. Fortunately as the game advertised just after its own ending credits there’s FREE ADDITIONAL CONTENT COMING SOON so that should clear things up.

Overall Resident Evil 7 is a treat. It’s quite a short journey and the third act feels like it belongs in a different, much less interesting Resi game but the majority of it is genuinely fantastic, and as a whole it’s the best game in the series since Resi 4, which came out twelve years ago. Somehow, miraculously Capcom managed to save the series, making a game that’s part Texas Chainsaw Massacre, part Evil Dead and a whole lot of classic, good Resi. A proper return to form for the series and a great way to start 2017.

By James Lambert


You Died or: How I stopped worrying and learned to praise the sun


Pictured: Bastards

I was wrong about Dark Souls. To a degree, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. In my review of Dark Souls 3 and its honourable mentions entry in my Game of the Year 2016 list I stated that it is the only good Dark Souls game. Well, I’m here to correct myself, for the record if nothing else. For the record: the original Dark Souls is excellent, but it still has problems. Obviously I’m not going to do a review of Dark Souls at this point, but I am going to give some thoughts on it both good and bad, because it does still have problems, and I can’t ignore them. Let the meeting halfway begin!

First of all I’m going to talk about difficulty. Yeah, Dark Souls and Bloodborne are hard, I’m not talking about that, everyone knows that already and general difficulty has never been my problem with these games. My problem is when it gets cheap, and regardless of what the Git Gud crowd well tell you this game can be incredibly cheap. Attacks that go through walls, bizarre hit boxes, making you drop into boss arenas and take damage even though there’s literally no other way down, these things are a problem. Having now finished the original game I have finally killed Fatman and Little Boy (seen in the picture above, real names (from right to left) Dragonslayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough)- a boss that stopped progress dead on every one of my previous playthroughs. Maybe it’s because I insist on playing the game by myself with only NPC summons but that should be a viable way to play the game, and indeed it is on every other part of the game. Also, to briefly stray off topic the one time I did try to beat OnS online I was invaded by another player and killed, therefore losing the limited item I required to summon NPCs. Personally I think if you’re going to invade and be invaded you should give permission or be on a separate server, or at least have an offline/online option on the main menu like in Bloodborne. Anyway to return to my previous point there are bosses and fights that aren’t fair in a way that goes deeper than “your sword takes a second or two to start swinging”. Ornstein and Smough are bullshit- it’s two on one, that’s the very definition of an unfair fight, and you have to fight a super powered one of whichever you don’t kill first. The Bed of Chaos, a later boss, is borderline broken- a platforming boss in a game with shit platforming controls. My point is the game isn’t the perfect, “every death is your fault” masterpiece people say it is, but that’s okay. This may seem like a redundant point but it matters to me; when I started the game for the first time I was one of the people that spouted the “every death is your fault” (which I’ll be referring to as EDIYF from now on) line because I was scared to criticise the game, then had an epiphany and went aggressively in the other direction. Now I’ve found a pleasant middle ground- Dark Souls is fantastic and I love it; Solaire, Siegmeyer and Sieglinde, New Londo; a bleak, flooded nightmare vault filled with Darkwraiths, ghosts and the Four Kings. Blight Town, Quelaag and The Fair Lady and the haunting, ash desert of The Kiln of the First Flame. Knight Artorias, Manus in the world’s most nightmarish archeological site, and Sif the Great Grey Wolf; these are all things that will stay with me- these are a what make the game great. It’s just that for all of those there’s two re-skins of the tutorial boss, the Bed of Chaos, curse build-up, getting magic’d through the wall by Dark Sun Gwyndolin, sniped off the ledge by the Anor Londo archers and killed by something that brushed gently past you because it counts as you taking an attack. New Londo and The Kiln are good, but the Demon Ruins and Lost Izalith are slogs through shit bosses, eye-ruiningly bright lava and boring enemies. The pleasant middle ground I mentioned is that I love the game, but acknowledge that it has problems- it’s flawed but still good. I’ve beaten the game twice now, killed all the bosses and done the DLC. So to sum this whole thing up I’ve made a transition: from bootlicking hyperbole to disdain, to a middle ground when I can admit that I was wrong and that it is a very good game but with flaws. You have to discover things on your own terms, as I’ve become increasingly aware of. Anyway, as I said this is more for the record than anything. I’m away. Don’t you dare go hollow.

By James Lambert


Death is no Disgrace : Thoughts on Call of Duty Infinite Warfare


I love Call of Duty. Apparently I’m some kind of freakish anomaly though, because I literally only play them for the campaign, but I do love me a COD campaign. Since the original Modern Warfare I’ve beaten them all with the exception of World at War and Black Ops 3- I point this to give context to what I’m about to write, and so you know that I know a thing or two about these games. When Infinite Warfare was announced I wasn’t particualrly interested, but I didn’t get all the flak it was taking. Sure, Battlefield 1 looked better but this looked fine, certainly better than Ghosts, which of the ones I’ve played remains the absolute worst by a considerable margin. I played and finished IW’s campaign over Christmas, and while I don’t feel like I can review a COD game without playing the multiplayer, I do want to talk about the campaign. Spoilers to follow

The Cast

Apart from the player character being voiced and portrayed by Brian Bloom (BJ Blazkowicz and Kane from Kane and Lynch) the cast is nicely diverse. A Black, English Staff  Sergeant and his Irish and Canadian marines accompany you on most missions, and the player character’s closest friend and colleague is a Female Lebanese Lieutenant, who does everything you do and more. The characters never reach the heights of say, Soap, Price and Gaz/Ghost but they’re a likeable bunch, and player character Nick Reyes is full voiced and gets to have a personality both during and inbetween missions. The primary conflict from a character point of view is Reyes’ overly close attachment to his men and women- he’s made Commander and Captain of the Space Ship hub level you inhabit early on in the game and so has to put people in harm’s way when that’s the last thing he wants to do. But it has to be done, because…

The Villains

…the enemies this time around are a hardcore death cult based on Mars that force twelve year old boys to undergo fifteen years of military service, consider sucide missions part of the job and treat the very act of not handing yourself over to them for execution baffling. Kit Harrington’s character Admirial Salen Kotch (pictured above) is in the game for about two minutes before he shoots one of his own men just to show that he’s completely unattached and therefore has the resolve to win. This article’s name; “Death is no Disgrace” is his catchphrase, and in context is basically means “let us execute you, it’s no big deal.” What’s weird is despite using tactics that make them look like some desperate, last-gasp resistance they outnumber the protagonists’ faction by a considerable margin, and are basically the empire to your revel alliance. Reyes and co are part of the UN and represent Earth as a whole, whereas the Settlement Defence Force hate everything even tangentially related to Earth and actively seek to destroy it, being based on Mars in an undisclosed year where travelling through and living in space and on different planets is commonplace.


This is the aspect most people seemed worried about or disdainful about on the run up to its release, but for me Infinity Ward pulled it off, especially when you compare it to the missions in Ghosts where you went into space. It’s much less cluttered, enemies are clearly marked on your HUD, and the way you actually move through space is smooth and easy. A combination of boosting up and down with we free 3-D movement, a grappling hook used for both quickly travelling directly to a single point or CQC killing enemies and the ability to spin your entire body left or right for a different angle of fire make being in Space enjoyable, which is good because you spend a fair bit of time there. The missions set on planets are largely standard COD fare but there are unique standouts, like one where you have to stay out of direct sunlight, as its proximity powers the killer robots you’re trapped with, and will cook you to death. There’s also a fair bit of spaceship combat, in which you stay in one area and manoeuvre around it shooting small fighters and big warships. It’s fine, but nothing special at all.

Sidemissions and load outs

With the exception of one mission, every mission once Reyes is Captain of The Retribution lets you pick what weapons and gear you take in with you, which hasn’t happened since Black Ops 2. It might not seem like much but it adds a personal layer to every mission, which I always like. Also it has side missions worth playing. Unlike the out of place tower defence shite in Black Ops 2 that were directly linked to important story events that would change if you failed them, these side missions focus on the almost pirate-esque, guerrilla raids conducted by the UNSA- sneak aboard an SDF ship, kill high value targets/rescue hostages/steal a weapon or piece of tech and get the hell out again, blowing up the ship behind you if possible. Only one of these missions is mandatory (as in doing one is mandatory, not one specific mission), but with the exception of the ones centred on space combat I gladly did them all.

The Conflict

SDF outnumber the UNSA and use sucide tactics, USNA have to stoop to their tactics.

The guerrilla tactics play into the larger conflict depicted in the story; you are the underdogs, and the Goliath you’re fighting is more than happy to send waves of waves of themselves at you on sucide missions with batting an eye, because that’s just how they fight. It all comes to a head during the game’s final mission, when almost the entire named cast dies in a suicide mission of your own, because as far as they’re concerned that’s the only way you can win. At one point the super weapon you’ve commandeered to destroy the AA guns protecting the SDF’s base stops working, and the fighter pilot you order to destroy the final gun tells you he’s out of ammo. So Commander Reyes tells him that it’s really important that gun go away, so the fighter pilot kamikazes into it. The very last thing to happen to Reyes is being blown out a window and, as his helmet breaks, dying in the cold, heartless vacuum of space. Now, killing the protagonists of Call of Duty games is nothing new- Infinity Ward use it a lot in the CODs they helm, but the way it happens here is emblematic of the tone and narrative in this game, and what marks it as an evolutionary step for the series. Whereas in, for example, Modern Warfare 2 you play as a voiceless, faceless soldier named Gary “Roach” Sanderson who dies to reveal the twist identity of a hitherto unknown villain, Commander Nick Reyes spends the whole game with a prominently displayed voice and face, doing everything he can to prevent as many deaths and injuries to his subordinates as he can until, in his mind at least, he has no choice other than to send the majority of them to their deaths and die himself.

For or better or worse (entirely dependent on personal opinion) Infinite Warfare’s campaign is a big step forward into new territory for this series. Ever since Modern Warfare 3 Infinity Ward’s been floundering while Treyarch and newcomers Sledgehammer have made solid games that kept the fire alight without doing anything particualrly spectacular or new. It makes sense Infinity Ward bundled this with Modern Warfare because they’ve had a similar effect on the series. It’s just a shame they had to hold it ransome in what will always be an incredibly scummy business decision. Infinite Warfare’s really good though, and I do recommend it. Well, the campaign at least.

By James Lambert


Game of the Year 2016

2016 was a good year for games, which is nice considering how shite it was for everything else. As a slight tweak to the formula I’ve picked five and only five games for my GOTY list this year, but as per usual the list will only consist of games I’ve reviewed. With that in mind, I do also have two quick honourable mentions, one of which I didn’t review. Alright, now we understand each other, let’s do this thing.

Honourable mention #1: DOOM

DOOM was one I didn’t get around to reviewing, but can’t let escape the year un-praised. Immensely satisfying combat with just the right pace, weight and level of gore, an excellent soundtrack and a surprisingly good story and characters; DOOM is a first person shooting masterpiece. Everything about it works, the simple gameplay of moving, shooting and glory killing never gets tiresome and the new, deeper story elements Bethesda has layered on top of the original Doom’s base is genuinely engaging. As for the Doom marine himself; he’s The Doom Slayer now, and all of Hell quiver at the thought of him. I loved it to bits and I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Honourable mention #2: Dark Souls 3

I did review this one, where I made the controversial statement that this is the only good Dark Souls game. I’m still playing it now actually (third playthrough), but its various niggles kept it from the list, one of the worst being the Irithyll Jailers- enemies that cause your health bar to shrink by looking at you, run over and stun you then grind you into the dirt, to death. Ahem. Anyway to move back to positives it takes its cues from Bloodborne in that it’s faster, fairer and generally more engaging. Characters are more interesting and generally easier to find, fast travelling from the start and a central hub to return to frequently allows the player a sense of comforting familiarity rather than just being constantly beaten over the head and abandoned in the wilderness. Plus parts of it are legitimately amazing in terms of level design, lore and boss. The stand outs for me are Irithyll and Sulyvahn, The Cathedral of the Deep, the Twin Princes, The Untended Graves and Champion Gundyr and the Kiln of The First Flame and the Soul of Cinder.

Right then, on to the list proper, in reverse order.

5. JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Eyes of Heaven


I had expected this to place higher, until I played it. As a JoJo adaptation it’s impeccable, as was previous title All Star Battle, but as an actual game it has real problems. The new 3-D 2v2 brawler style of play makes things a tad messy, and fights can go on for a long time depending on who’s involved. Stand users without combat focused stands have more room to manoeuvre and are generally more viable but combat focused characters still have the advantage. Also the game’s original story is like bad Jotaro fan fiction with a new stand that’s ridiculously OP and is beaten by an almighty arse pull, and it feels artificially lengthened at times. So why is it on the list then? Well it’s fun, the unlock system for costumes and such is vastly improved, and if you’re a JoJo fan, which I most assuredly am, it’s so faithful that a lot of its issues melt away when playing it.

4. Deus Ex Mankind Divided


Mankind Divided was an improvement on the already solid Human Revolution in every way. It managed to make cardboard cut-out professional dickhead Adam Jensen into a more nuanced, likeable character, its version of the future was more well-realised than HR (even if its impact was slightly reduced by putting you in the shoes of a literal killing machine) and the story had real stand-outs that were all linked to characters. The train station attack and how it affects Adam, infiltrating the apartment building occupied by a machine cult, obtaining a pass for one civilian in dire need of it, literally everything that happens during your infiltration of the massive Augs-only slum city. The gameplay was uniformly good- stealth, combat and social interactions all intermingling which, when combined with the upgrades on offer made it feel like you worked out a plan for each mission yourself, and did it your way, but every other way was just as viable. Also, you’re basically a Cyborg detective.



It might seem surprising that this isn’t higher on the list, or indeed my game of the year. Back when Sapienza came out I full expected this to be my number one; its core gameplay is the best the series has ever been, the challenges are wonderfully done and tied directly into rewards that are all useful and actually pertinent to the game at large, and the story, while not brilliant, was fine, and wisely relegated to between mission cutscenes instead of taking centre stage like in Absolution. My main problems with it were a lack of meaningful consequences and a score attack, number-based rating system, and the levels are of frustratingly inconsistent quality. France and Thailand are good, Italy is great, Morocco and Japan are alright and America is bloody awful. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an excellent game overall and I enjoyed my time with it, but we’re still not back to the former glory of  Blood Money. Still, it’s a massive, triumphant step in the right direction and absolutely deserving of a place on this list.

2. Mother Russia Bleeds


A recently released (on Ps4 anyway) and reviewed, but anticipated game on my part, Mother Russia Bleeds is the grimiest, probably most violent game I’ve ever played and I loved every second of it. A side scrolling beat ’em up about four Roma pumping themselves full of Krokodil cut with the super soldier serum from Captain America and battering their way through an alternate history version of 80s USSR where the Mafiya control everything and literally everything is awful. The gameplay is simple but immensely satisfying, the soundtrack is fantastic, the graphics are lovingly re-created retro and it stays a crazy, over-the-top, nightmarish slog of punching, hallucinations, vomiting, and acting like a cocky arsehole from start to brutal finish. At one point you’re trapped in an arena and fight a bear that’s wearing a metal mask with what looks like a mohawk on it. That’s not even the most outlandish thing that happens. I love this game so much.

1. Mafia 3


Mafia 3 is my game of the year. I was looking forward to it since it was first announced, and it certainly didn’t disappoint. I love Lincoln Clay. I love playing as Lincoln Clay; I love tearing around 60s New Orleans listening to the frankly vast amount of great licensed music, murdering racists and criminals by the truck load like a politically motivated, Black version of The Punisher. Its core gameplay of clearing out dudes with stealth and/or combat and destroying their criminal operations to move your way up the ladder to get at the Kingpins who run New Bordeuax, Louisiana never really  changes but never ceased to be entertaining and engaging. Its story of family, loyalty and one man slowly walking down a path he may never come back from but is walking for the right reasons is a good one, and peppered with interesting characters. It’s all wrapped up in a smart framing device, and with its USP of dividing territory between three underbosses offering different incentives, a well-realised setting and the aforementioned terrific soundtrack of both licensed and original music its clear to me that Mafia 3 is the best game I’ve played in 2016.

So then, that’s 2016 over and done with, and for the first time in three years I’ve actually got this list done on time. 2016 was a good year with a lot of contenders for this list, so consider the five that made it very good indeed. Anyway, first proper review of 2017 will be Resident Evil 7, but before that is a “thoughts on…” piece coming tomorrow. See you then.

By James Lambert


Batman The Telltale Series Review


(Note that the video I mentioned back in my review of episode 1 may well still happen, but for now I’m doing a written review)

Telltale have been on a steady decline since The Wolf Among Us. None of the games they’ve released since that have been bad, per se, but Walking Dead Season 2 couldn’t hope to rival its amazing predecessor, Game of Thrones was a story that, while interesting couldn’t really affect much at all in the wider canon and Tales from the Borderlands would have worked just as well as a miniseries on Netflix. Batman could have potentially fallen into those same traps; low interactivity so there’s less chance of the player messing up his whole flawless, inhuman mystique and not being able to rock the boat too much in an existing, well-documented canon. To top it off playing as Batman is likely to mean a whole lot of QTE fistfights. Fortunately, the game manages to avoid those pitfalls and is the best thing Telltale has done since TWAU.

The story Telltale has written is, for the most part, strong, and goes in some genuinely interesting places. It starts with the classic “Young Batman vs The Mob” arc involving old hand Carmine Falcone and Harvey Dent running for mayor and moves on to a scandal involving Thomas Wayne potentially being shady and generally awful and a new villain closely tied to Arkham Asylum, but with an actual deep connection rather than that flimsy shit they came up with for the Arkham Knight. It introduces other villains sparingly, focuses on developing Bruce Wayne and his relationships with other characters, and isn’t afraid to get really rather dark and brutal at times. It does unfortunately peeter pit towards the end, but it has enough strong character moments to keep it at least worth seeing through. The aforementioned focus on Bruce Wayne is the game’s strongest aspect: while Batman gets to do very basic crime scene investigations and lots and lots of beating the shit out of people Bruce Wayne has to navigate increasingly dire, tricky social situations; his friendship with Harvey and position as his campaign’s financier, the scandal involving his Father and his name being dragged through the mud, and repeated encounters with Selina Kyle are all situations where Telltale’s bread and butter of conversations and choices come into play, and are by far the most interesting parts of the game. Potential consequences pop up suddenly but in ways that make sense in the context of the story; for example things you’ve said to Harvey are all put in a different context when he stops taking his pills midway through the series and his dissociative identity disorder hits him hard. There is one weak link that stands out like a sore thumb however, and that’s The Penguin. Oswald Cobblepot is now a skinny, conventionally handsome young man in a greatcoat with military training and, crucially, Bruce Wayne’s childhood friend. He’s linked to the new villain and was effected by Thomas Wayne’s aforementioned shadiness, but it’s just an excuse for Bruce Wayne to have an antagonist and The Penguin himself is just irritating and has more of a Joker thing going on than anything. Also he’s cockney for some reason, and his accent is awful.

Gameplay wise the only USPs here are crime scene investigations and deciding whether to approach situations as Batman or Bruce, when you’re in a position to choose. The latter is a goodaddition that feeds into the whole idea of being Bruce Wayne. The former is a nice idea that has no real depth to it, but its inclusion adds a bit of variety to Batman’s scenes. Basically you find clues and connect them in pairs, and Batman recreates what happened with super duper hologram vision. The bulk of Batman’s sections involve beating the shit out of people with quick time events, and planning out the fastest and most efficient way to beat the shit out of people with quick time events, then doing so. The game does try to replicate the tactician and detective sides of Batman but they don’t add anything in a practical sense. The choices here are a tad less dramatic than other Telltale games because Batman doesn’t kill people (unless you’re defending Batman V Superman on the Internet) and by the very nature of the story he’ll come out on top in the end, but they’re still good, and again Bruce Wayne does have some genuinely tricky situations to navigate.

Overall Batman is good. The actual Batman scenes are mediocre but pick up when he isn’t just punching people, and the stuff with Bruce Wayne is fantastic. Certain characters are weak and the latter parts of the story are definitely weaker than its beginning, but it’s a good Batman story that understands the characters and does some new, interesting things whilst deftly handling classic elements. Best thing Telltale’s done since TWAU, definitely check it out.

by James Lambert


Mother Russia Bleeds Review


Mother Russia Bleeds is the grimiest game I’ve ever played. Even in a world where both Kane and Lynches, both Condemneds and Manhunt exist, this is grimier. Released on PC back in September and finally snuck out yesterday on PS4 (I literally stumbled on it by accident while wondering what to play, having been wanting to play it since it was released) it’s a game about four Roma pit fighters who are kidnapped by the Bratva, pumped full of a drug that makes you super strong but destroys your body and decide the best thing to do is best people to death until they get revenge. It’s a side-scrolling beat ’em up in the Final Fight/Streets of Rage tradition; one to four of the Roma protagonists (depending on whether you use bots and/or local co-op) move through a series of varied shitholes and otherwise grim locations kicking people’s heads in to a fantastic soundtrack. The combat system is simple but effective- light and heavy attacks, grabs and throws and a dodge, and weapons, some of which are guns. What makes it the grimiest game I’ve ever played is the house they build on that foundation: the only health item is Nekro-tainted blood (Nekro being the drug the characters are addicted to. It’s based on real-life Nightmare drug Krokodil which I don’t recommend looking up unless you’ve a strong disposition) sucked from the convulsing bodies of enemies and injected directly into your veins. Reviving downed bots/other players without a stock of Nekro will result in your character drawing their own blood, injecting it into their comrade then throwing up. The whole thing’s surprisingly violent; punches and kicks have a real impact, enemies show wounds as they take damage and because they’re all full of Nekro you can crouch over them and punch them in the face ten times and they can still get up with their face hanging off and come over for more. This is before the aforementioned twitching and convulsing as you draw their blood with a syringe you found lying next to you when you woke up in a dingy laboratory. There’s a lot of visceral, brutal instances of people being beaten to death. Interestingly this is juxtaposed with huge, over-the-top action set-pieces; a prison break, fighting on top of a train, a gay nightclub with a facade of people having a good time that hides back rooms full of murderers in pig masks. Hell, at one point you’re trapped in an arena and have to fight a Bear that’s been pumped full of Nekro and forced into a steel mask. The story itself is largely just there to keep the main characters moving from face to un-punched face, but there’s a character determined to get the Roma involved in a revolution to overthrow this universe’s government that’s in the pocket of the Bratva that ends up steering the plot. The focus is on the and the character’s struggle with Nekro and the way the drug is depicted with foreboding hallucinations of a giant beating heart, walls of flesh and an ominous skeleton creature is excellent, and it’s this aspect of the story that stands out.

The game maintains a consistent level of difficulty for the most part, though it spikes at certain moments. Bosses are all huge, unique enemies that take either a thorough beating or some sort of specific action, with the latter causing the most trouble. One early boss in particular that needs to be repeatedly knocked into an advancing carbine harvester that instantly downs you if you touch it gave me a fair bit of grief, and the final boss has four separate stages with no checkpoints, but at no point did it feel insurmountable or particualrly unfair. I played through it with one A.I companion, which felt like just the right amount of support; I tried playing with the thee bots and it was a mess, where fights were visually confusing and although it was harder to be downed there was often not enough Nekro to go around. Bots are competent enough in general combat, but they waste Nekro and don’t know how to handle anything more complex than simple beatings, making them useless for certain bosses, though they can easily handle lackies. There are also certain short sections involving firearms that if not carefully approached will chew through your health in no time. One bit involving shotguns took me several tries. Thankfully though guns do just as much damage when you use them, and they don’t turn up that often.

Mother Russia Bleeds is horrible. It’s grimy, grim, dark and relentlessly violent, and I love it. I beat it in two sittings and loved every moment of it; the art style, the satisfying, visceral combat, the imagery, the soundtrack, it all comes together to make something truly excellent. Definitely give it a look, if you’ve got a taste for this sort of thing.

By James Lambert


JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Eyes of Heaven Review


JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure is the best. If you watch/read any of it then you know that already. If not then I assure you, reader, that it is indeed the best. If you’re in the latter camp I’m sorry to say this game isn’t for you; much like previous game “All Star Battle” it’s a decent if not particularly deep fighting game that’s carried by its sheer dedication to its source material and fan-pleasing. The gameplay isn’t good enough to make it worth playing if you’re not a fan of the series, at least I would t say so. Feel free to stay for the review, though massive spoilers for its story follow. If you’re a JoJo fan and want a spoiler free review: yeah it’s good. Unlocking stuff is much less stupid this time, the combat’s solid and it retains ASB’s psychotic attention to detail in its references.

So unlike ASB’s terribly lop-sided, text-based re-telling of the manga’s plot EOH tells an original story featuring all eight JoJos teaming up to take out an alternate universe version of DIO who has a new version of The World that’s the most broken, OP, everything-proof shield Stand in the entire series. Think Gold Experience Requiem, King Crimson or Made in Heaven are OP? Well they don’t have anything on ZA WARUDO OVER HEAVEN, which can literally do whatever the hell it wants, as the plot requires. Officially its power is “Overwriting Reality”, but in practice it basically means DIO can change literally anything about any aspect of the world, with the most prominent usage being turning characters from throughout the manga’s run into his slaves. But that’s not too big a problem, right? He manga’s had characters with seemingly unbeatable powers, the anime’s showcasing one at the time of writing, surely this isn’t that different? Well yes and no. Yes the actual stand isn’t too bad, what’s bad is the way the story deals with it. See unlike in (SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA) Part 6, where a character with the ability to speed up time does so to the point where the universe resets and all the main characters bar one die, because logically there is no escape or counter attack (SPOILERS END), here DIO’s powers are overcome by Jotaro Kujo (the part 3 version), who has “The same type of Stand” as The World Over Heaven. Now at first I took this to mean “short range power type” like Crazy Diamond and arguably Stone Free, but what it actually means is “Star Platinum can also overwrite reality, a power Jotaro will pull out of his arse during the final battle, like he did with Time Stop in Part 3” This the culmination of a story so obsessed with making Jotaro look cool and useful it’s basically bad fan fiction; people throughout the story comment on how good Jotaro is, at one point Jonathan Joestar insists that Jotaro is the only one who can stop DIO at the point where as far as everyone knows Jotaro’s offensive capabilities extend to punching things quickly. This is despite the fact that Giorno Giovanna is also there, and has been shown to still have use of Gold Experience Requiem. You can choose what character you use for the most part but the game will often easily you to Jotaro, and he does the bulk of the work in cutscenes, even when dealing with characters a unknown and unrelated to him. It’s not even the wiser, older Jotaro from Part 4, it’s angry young man Jotaro. The actual bulk of the story mode is just as irritating; go to a location from each part of the manga, beat DIO slaves, collect parts of the Holy Corpse from Part 7. OH NO! DIO took them all! Go get them back. Okay, ready to fight him? OH NO HE MADE YOUR FRIENDS INTO SLAVES AGAIN! It’s mostly repetition and beatings, with hardly any time given to the absurd character moments that can and do arise from this situation. It does have its moments though, like when both versions of Yoshikage Kira turn up and complain that they just want to lead a quiet life together but they keep being bothered, or when Old Joseph gets a chance to prevent Caesar from running off alone to fight Wham. The story is a wasted opportunity really- the one time every JoJo gets together and most of them barely get to do anything except get into a few fights and stand around cheering on Jotaro while he does all the work and forms a new timeline where every non-villain survives.

Whereas ASB was a one-on-one 3-D fighter, EOH takes a more open, arena fighter approach. Every match besides a few in story mode are two-on-two, which has its own problems as well as benefits. On the plus side different character pairings offer unique dialogue and super moves, on the other hand re-creating fights with fewer than four people is impossible (the game has the rooftops in Cairo and the Colosseum as arenas but DIO and Diavolo have to have partners) and if one character is defeated the other one gets a storable health boost instead of their super move, which is suddenly locked off. Said moves often miss because of their weird hit boxes and the fact that they’re all activated by sprinting full pelt at your enemy. The A.I is woeful; both partners and enemies will often just stand around doing nothing for long stretches, and I’d often notice that my partner had full health while I was nearly dead, because I had run in and engaged both opponents by myself while my partner stayed behind to pose (probably). Also the lip synching is terrible- an audio clip starts playing, the characters flap their gums in a way that doesn’t even try to match the rhythm of the speech then they stop when the clip ends. It does have definite plus points though. While some attacks don’t translate to the less focused combat, the more open style of play means that characters with stands other than rapid-punching big dudes are actually viable options now, and the way they adapt, for example, the respective powers of Gold Experience Requiem, King Crimson and Heaven’s Door are excellent. Also costumes, colours, win poses are now unlocked with money earned in-game and can be clearly viewed before buying them and before selecting them. No more having to wait around until maybe a boss turns up, then fighting them over and over again hoping to unlock the outfit you want (but obviously you don’t) then you can’t even see them before you select them, as it inexplicably was in ASB.

Eyes of Heaven is a mixed bag. If Jotaro is your favourite JoJo to the point where you’re happy to see every other character besides the villains hype him up and rely on him to solve their problems like Alice in the Resident Evil films, then you’ll get a lot more out of the story than I did. The more open, less focused (not in a bad way) fights mean more of the large roster of characters are viable options and if you’re a JoJo fan then there’s more than enough here to enjoy, to the point where I can and do recommend it. If you’re not a fan, this won’t convert you, and personally I wouldn’t bother with it, but if you are, give it a look.

By James Lambert